A nightmare

Have you ever woken up, and thought, maybe for just a split second, that perhaps yesterday was just a nightmare?

I did that today.

After a scary weekend of allergic reactions to an unknown substance, I went to the doctor this week and had some blood work done to see if I was allergic to anything. I got the results yesterday, and they're not good. In fact, I feel like someone has suddenly taken away any shred of freedom and independence I may have had.

According to that blood test, I am allergic to dairy, eggs, wheat, soy, corn, peanuts, walnuts, and sesame seeds. I was expecting maybe one or two things, but everything?

At first, I thought I could handle it. I eat very healthily anyway, so I'll just make substitutions, right? That worked until I realized I was allergic to the substitutions as well. Anything that's made gluten-free (without wheat) is usually made with at least some corn flour, but I can't eat corn. Anything made without eggs usually involves corn starch. Anything without dairy usually has soy in it. Even packaged dressings and condiments have corn syrup and soybean oil in them.

I literally cannot eat anything from the grocery store.

I have to make everything from scratch.

Now, if I stayed at home all day, this would be somewhat feasible. I could carefully control my food intake. This isn't possible, though, because in addition to a full time job, I'm also a grad student. I barely have time to take a shower in the morning and water my garden in the evening, there's no way in hell I have time to whip up a vinaigrette from scratch every time I have a salad.

But the thing is, I have no choice.

Yesterday, I was really sad. I cried a lot. Today I'm angry and bitter.

Think about how many things in our lives revolve around food. Birthday parties, nights out with friends, weddings, parties, church events. I can't participate in any of it, because there's no way of telling what's in something or how it was prepared. I can no longer eat at any of my favorite restaurants. I can't eat at any restaurants.

My two favorite things to do are to cook and to travel. Cooking has lost all of its joy, and I'm not sure if I'll be able to travel because I will never be able to eat anywhere.

I have an appointment with an allergist that's supposed to help me sort all this out and do some further testing, but it's not for three more weeks. There's a chance that I won't always be allergic to all of these things, but there's no way to know.

And in the meantime I have to somehow focus on work and finishing the semester of grad school.

I'm sorry this post is so depressing. I know I should be cheerful and chipper, determined to overcome and beat this, but I'm not. I'm just overwhelmed. And defeated.

So very defeated.